THE LAB: Batiste, You Beast

File this one under “Old Dog, Old Tricks,” friends, because obviously everyone on Earth knows and uses Batiste, except me, until now. WHAT IS THIS MAGICAL POTION???

I’m not new to dry shampoo or anything – I wash my hair once or twice a week, and I know all too well the greasy dirt bomb that is the morning of Day 4 – but I’ve never found a product that could truly do all the things. And so I’ve been sprinkling baby powder on my roots (and all over my black clothes and sink and bath mat) for YEARS, not knowing that someone basically solved all of life’s mysteries, put it in an aerosol can, drew adorable cherries on the label, and then went and sold it for eight dollars.

It does all the things I could possibly dream of it doing, but somehow manages to be even better. Guys, LOOK AT MY HAIR:

Batiste dry shampoo review - How Old is Too Old

Stop washing your hair and just use Batiste instead - says this old person

Batiste saved my life tonight sugar bear

It’s Monday, and I haven’t washed my hair – or even gotten it wet – since … Thursday? I can’t even remember, it’s been that long!

I wasn’t even going to write about this, but I used it this morning and the record of my life metaphorically scratched, and I had to say something.

Never washing my hair again, obvs.

Batiste dry shampoo review
solar eclipse viewing.

 

 

THE LAB: Shopping at YESSTYLE.COM

I am ALWAYS telling people to shop  at Yesstyle.com.  And shortly after I suggest it, I have to explain what it is. And THEN, I try to cram in as many of the rules of shopping at Yesstyle as I can before their eyes glaze over looking at cat socks and couples co-ords.

My best aging pals deserve better! A handy guide below.

  1. You should shop at Yesstyle!
  2. What IS Yesstyle? Well, I’m glad you asked! It’s an online shopping emporium dedicated to Asian fashion, accessories, and beauty! Think ASOS (all the UK brands you know and love and a million smaller ones to find) for Asia.
  3. Anything you should know before losing the next four hours building your cart? YES.

DON’T GET OVERWHELMED BY THE VAST EXPANSE.

Yesstyle is home to millions of items. MILLIONS. Do not try to look at all the “dresses.” (55k+ items). Or “black sandals.” (6k+ items). You are gonna want to get specific. Look for “white distressed jeans cropped.” 19, ok. 19. I can work with that. Then scroll through about 30 photos of each item – all leaning on desks, holding coffees, crossing streets; not a ton of your basic catalog modeling happening. Gives you a much better glimpse into how clothes move and fit. Add your favorites to your cart and there you go. white distressed jeans cropped hoito yesstyle

Frontline Ripped Cropped Jeans, $22.21.

Renera Distressed Jeans, $20.27.

(All items shown are actually in my cart. My cart is currently at 28 items. About average for me.)

COUNTERPOINT: EXPLORE.

Some of my favorite items have been found poking around. WITH DIRECTION. I like to go to the Women’s New Arrival tab and start scrolling. Just scroll and scroll through all the filler until something catches your eye. Then click into that Brand, like Miss Yoyo. I clicked on the jumpsuit and found the jammies. Both landed in the cart. miss yoyo yesstyle yeeees jumpsuits and jammies hoito

Miss Yoyo Plain Jumpsuit, $23.18.

Miss Yoyo Matching Pajama Set, $29.97.

Under the printed jammies was a “Similar Items” scroll. Cool! I DO want to see more! So click on through… And then again… Just wandering around Yesstyle collecting must haves…yesstyle hopping hoito dresses

Moon City Stripe Dress, $19.30. 

Miss Yes Double Breasted Shirt Dress, $19.30. 

GIVE YOURSELF PLENTY OF DELIVERY TIME.

Say you are super stoked to get your new Clover Dream dresses. You have a thing, you want to wear one to a thing and then the other one to another cool thing. Ask yourself, when is this event? Is it this week? This month? Within the next 6 weeks? WON’T HAPPEN. Absolutely spring for the express shipping. But do so with the knowledge that this will get you closer to the 4-6 range and not the usual 3 month range. Once you know this, it becomes a fun surprise! OH! These cool Clover Dreams dresses?! I totally forgot about them!! Your items are not in stock, they are not going to be ANYWHERE, certainly not your closet, in 7 days. So, you just order, and you wait. And then your Clover Dream dresses arrive and you are THRILLED. clover yesstyle dresses really good hoito

Clover Dream Printed Short Sleeve Dress, $27.20.

Clover Dream Printed 3/4 Sleeve Dress, $25.12.

SHOES. SIZE UP. Except if you think they might JUST SIZE UP.

Your feet are one size larger in this market. They just are. Order a size up. Always. If you’re going to try your regular size, maybe do a sandal or something. Don’t you dare order a flat in anything other than one size up. What size will I order these sandals in?! JK, I’ll order them a size up. yesstyle shoes hoito best sandals ever antiaging footwear.jpg

Wello Velcro Platforms in White, $29.00.

Vivier Rhinestone Sandal, $81.38.

Southback Sandals, $23.18.

Goroke Tassel Sandals,$69.74.

STYLING INSPIRATION IS EVERYWHERE.

Look at that cutie pedicure poking out of those black buckled sandals above. LOVE IT. Tried this hair last weekend and looked like Bjork, BUT ready to try again with some auxiliary hairpieces and some things to stick on/in the hair (sidenote, the ELF SACK brand is worth scrolling though to the end. All this model. All amazing. So much is not enough). The shirt, sure. The hair, YES. If you look at the details, the layering, the styling, you will find some excellent ideas.hoito yesstyle hair inspo bork hair but not the lab youthful hair

All Elf Sack. ❤

GENERAL SIZING:

These guys go HARD in the details section. Jeans have 6+ measurements, dresses too. Every line is measured. Many have charts. But the most AMAZING part is the unit of measurement converter so you can flip all the sizes from centimeters to inches. SO thoughtful, Yesstyle!

hoito yesstyle sizing amazing

ONE SIZE.

A fair amount of the items, especially jumpsuits and dresses are One Size. Annoying, But works for me? I like giant things and these would be giant on just about anyone. I say try it. one size jumpsuit hoito.jpg

JENNA LYONS DOES NOT KNOW THE BEST SOCKS. THE BEST SOCKS ARE FROM YESSTYLE.

I was wrong. Forgive me.

best socks ever hoito socks to make you feel you again.jpg

Lazy Corner No Show, $4.75. WORTH IT BUY EVERY COLOR.

Sock Kingdom Heart Socks, $4.75. Also good. BUT BUY THE LAZY CORNERS.

A couple last notes:

Maternity clothes are rarely, if ever, modeled on pregnant woman.

Jeans often come with the button hole sewn shut.

Sheet masks?! HAVE AT EM. K-Beauty?! THERE IS NO BETTER SOURCE. You want collagen?! GET AT IT.

Are you too old for Yesstyle? No, I think not. Enjoy my babies.

ADULT CONTEMPORARY: I No Longer Wear Under-Eye Concealer

The eyes, no matter how lovely, are the one feature that will always give away your age. In the darkness of night, your 20-year-old Lyft driver might, at first glance, assume you are as young as he and needing an introduction to such fringe bands as Green Day and Maroon 5 (*TRUE STORY*), but in the light of day … if you’ve lived your life … no amount of Botox (or alternatives), will completely mask the wisdom held within.

Yes, my dear boy, I have heard of Green Day.

“WAIT,” he said confusedly, “you’re not in your … THIRTIES??”

How Old is Too Old - I have stopped using under eye concealer

And so eye creams and under eyes masks and cucumbers or whatever. But I’ve decided to focus less on keeping mine plump and bright and am instead embracing the fact that I have, indeed, seen some stuff, and that these peepers hold a depth of knowledge within.

“Here, darling, try Velvet Underground instead.”

I recently read in Vogue that French women apparently do not wear under-eye concealer. And instead of rolling my very concealed eyes, I was genuinely thrilled with the concept of letting your weariness and experience show on your face in just this one area. This was the first bit of advice that, to me, ACTUALLY could make a person look more interesting and “French” (aside from “Boul“, obviously). And I immediately stopped applying concealer on the inside corners and just beneath my eyes. I still use a little in the outside corner – where I have dark pink spots – but everything else is kept natural.

Can I tell you that I LOVE IT??

I doubt anyone notices, to be honest, but it makes me feel like I’m carrying around a little secret. I’ve even started darkening my eyelids a bit with a smudge of bronzer and covering that with a sweep of Vaseline, to play up my naturally shiny eyelids. It’s like I’m daring the world to guess how old I am – just look at all this very apparent mileage and wisdom.

As I stepped out of the car, breeze billowing my shirt up around me, I heard that baby boy subtly turn up the New York Dolls album I had suggested just before he sped away into the night, and I smiled to myself.

Guys, he thought I was in my twenties.

THE LAB: DIY Fresh Flower Embellishment

What’s this? Two LABS in a row?? Lollapalooza just wrapped (hello drunk babies!), and because I’m on summer mode and very behind schedule in everything, here’s a perfectly-timed tutorial to help you look super relevant at all of your future outdoor music events. I think there’s only one big festival left this year in Chicago, but this look also works well for parties and art shows, and any other time it’s acceptable to admit that you need lots of attention, so be sure to save to your Pinterest board (we need the traffic!) and pull this one out when you need a real ‘WOW’ moment.

DIY Fresh Flower Embellishment - sew fresh flowers to your jacket - by How Old is Too Old

People will LOSE THEIR MINDS.

I know, because I did this last-minute for Pitchfork, and somewhere, at this very moment, I’m in the deleted files of a NY Times Style section photographer. Life goal halfsies!

This project requires a needle and thread, but don’t worry about keeping it neat – you’ll be ripping it all out with your dehydrated, arthritic hands the next day anyway. Be sure to stick to sturdy fabrics, like denim, that can support the weight of the flowers, and opt for buds that can withstand being punctured. I highly recommend weaving a few leaves into the design as well, to give it more oomph and also really drive home the fact that THESE ARE FRESH FLOWERS, PEOPLE, I’M A VERY IMPORTANT AND FRIVOLOUS ARTIST, ALBEIT A VERY OLD ONE.

DIY Tutorial: Fresh Flower Embellishment

DIY Tutorial - Sewn Fresh Flower Embellishment - howoldistooold.com

 

 

Materials:

  • Garment (denim jacket, perhaps?)
  • Flowers w/ leaves
  • Scissors
  • Needle
  • Thread
  • Pins

Instructions:

I didn’t really plan out a design for this project, but if you’re a bit more responsible – like, maybe the kind of person who just does their taxes instead of letting the worry and annoyance eat away at you like a parasite to the point where you can’t write a blog post, because you don’t even want to touch your computer … – feel free to use a piece of chalk or something to draw out your design in advance. 

Begin by snipping a few buds at their bases, removing the stems entirely. Using your needle, secure a length of thread to your garment, then puncture the base of your first flower, pulling the thread out the other side and back into the garment a couple of times. Repeat for each flower [basically just sew them on by hand – you know how this works, right?]. It can be a total mess on the inside, just make sure you’re not pulling the thread so taut that the fabric puckers. Use pins, as needed, to lay out a few flowers at a time (best not to do this all at once in the beginning, because you’ll need to get your hands in there as you go). When you’re happy with your design, sew in a few leaves here and there to really bring it to life.

Notes:

If you choose a hearty flower, and you’re not in excessive heat, this should last you all evening without spritzing or anything. And if you go with a color that doesn’t quickly turn brown (like red over pale pink, for instance), even a little wilting looks fine.

PAPER DOLLS: Cavalli 2012 (And pin straight blonde hair.)

I miss being a blonde. hoito- molly- veronica-Naomi-Campbell-Karen-Elson-Kristen-McMenamy-Daphne-Groeneveld-by-Steven-Meisel-for-Robert-Cavalli-Spring-2012My shade of brown takes about 7 hours to get to white blonde (the only blonde worth having), and I have exactly two years before I have to get a pixie cut. Veronica fares much better as a redhead. And we both look great in Cavalli. molly veronica hoito cavalli still love it2012, the heyday of Cavalli, yes? And also, those stick straight blow outs. I think I knew how to do it then, we all did. Did we collectively lose that technology or it just me how can’t learn it again?

V. Also a vision in that baby blonde.

veronica cavalli hoiro in the lab howoldistooold
All images via Vogue. 

CARTS: Aspirational Blogger Look

Hey what’s up I’m still alive! Sorry, but … I needed a break. I’ll admit, I’ve found it difficult to live that aspirational blogger lyfe while maintaining any semblance of self respect and/or decency. I came up in the 90’s – a decade of sarcasm, pessimism and IRONY – this fake news world confuses me. Taking photos of yourself while pretending to hang out at cute cafes is bonkers. IT’S BONKERS PEOPLE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? Cafes are boring! Painted walls are boring! I can’t even do this as a joke anymore.

You want something to aspire to? HERE:

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD for this Catherine Deneuve photographed by David Bailey for Vogue, 1968 look
original image source: David Bailey for Vogue, 1968 |Faces by Anjali Pinto | MUA Shannon O’Brien

HERE:

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD - Molly does Catherine Deneuve

HERE:

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD - flamingoes x 4

HERE:

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD - flamingos x 16

HERE:

Screen Shot 2017-07-06 at 8.40.35 PM

HERE:

Screen Shot 2017-07-06 at 8.21.55 PM

HERE:

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD flamingo wallpaper

SHOP THE LOOK

 

 

Carts: Glitter Makeup? Yeah, let’s do it again!

We were in high school in the late 90’s. So we DID glitter makeup. A lot of sheens, remember sheens? Frosted lips, frosted eyes. Shimmery glosses.

Somewhere along the line though, ’96? ’97? For sure by 1998, things had gotten way out of hand. I went to dances arms absolutely crusted with body glitter. First generation body glitters, the ones that were gel based/smelled terribly of rubbing alcohol/made your skin super tight as soon as it dried. We layered them carefully for size and color. AND THEN. Glitter eyeliner over the frosty eye shadow, glitter mascara, frosty lips. As if the frosty elements were a subtle counterpart to the more ostentatious glitter layers. I mean.

It was bound to happen. Somewhere in the early 2000 on the way out the door I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for the next decade and a half it was all flat matte everything. Even the 2005 debut of Calvin Kleins makeup line was totally out – those dewy faces were toeing the line of shine and I was just too gun shy. Now, we all know that I’ve gotten over that in some real ways. I’ve fallen re-in-love with a glitter accent – hello Glitter Smudge! Something about that feels so far past a frosted shadow that it works. So it took a while to face facts. I’m into it. It’s been 15 years. I’m 35. And I want to wear body glitter.

Milk Makeup can get adults into just about anything. The Glitter Stick feels like just enough. I hate myself but yes, I’m going to wear this on my clavicle. Just like high school. But no rubbing alcohol smell and no, I won’t layer it with six other body glitters.

hoito milk holographic stick adult glitter hoito howoldistooold
Images via Milk. 

Glossier has a barely there shimmer lip gloss. See photo below. BARELY THERE. Perfect. Birthday Balm Dotcom.

birthday balm dotcom hoito howoldistooold glitter lips for adults
Images via Glossier. 

Not so into the colored glitters, at all. BUT. Make Makeup’s Glitter Eyeshadow in Quartz and the Urban Decay Shadow in Moondust are perfect see through-y, clear-ish, fairy dust-ish non colors that are hard to get on so a little dusting falls on the top of your cheeks.

glitter hoito adult glitters start with eyeshadows howoldistooold urban decay make makeup
Images via Make Makeup and Urban Decay.

So, here we go again! If I end up with crunchy curls from glitter hair gel, someone stop me. (Or don’t? Could be good again?)