THE LAB: Batiste, You Beast

File this one under “Old Dog, Old Tricks,” friends, because obviously everyone on Earth knows and uses Batiste, except me, until now. WHAT IS THIS MAGICAL POTION???

I’m not new to dry shampoo or anything – I wash my hair once or twice a week, and I know all too well the greasy dirt bomb that is the morning of Day 4 – but I’ve never found a product that could truly do all the things. And so I’ve been sprinkling baby powder on my roots (and all over my black clothes and sink and bath mat) for YEARS, not knowing that someone basically solved all of life’s mysteries, put it in an aerosol can, drew adorable cherries on the label, and then went and sold it for eight dollars.

It does all the things I could possibly dream of it doing, but somehow manages to be even better. Guys, LOOK AT MY HAIR:

Batiste dry shampoo review - How Old is Too Old

Stop washing your hair and just use Batiste instead - says this old person

Batiste saved my life tonight sugar bear

It’s Monday, and I haven’t washed my hair – or even gotten it wet – since … Thursday? I can’t even remember, it’s been that long!

I wasn’t even going to write about this, but I used it this morning and the record of my life metaphorically scratched, and I had to say something.

Never washing my hair again, obvs.

Batiste dry shampoo review
solar eclipse viewing.

 

 

THE LAB: DIY Fresh Flower Embellishment

What’s this? Two LABS in a row?? Lollapalooza just wrapped (hello drunk babies!), and because I’m on summer mode and very behind schedule in everything, here’s a perfectly-timed tutorial to help you look super relevant at all of your future outdoor music events. I think there’s only one big festival left this year in Chicago, but this look also works well for parties and art shows, and any other time it’s acceptable to admit that you need lots of attention, so be sure to save to your Pinterest board (we need the traffic!) and pull this one out when you need a real ‘WOW’ moment.

DIY Fresh Flower Embellishment - sew fresh flowers to your jacket - by How Old is Too Old

People will LOSE THEIR MINDS.

I know, because I did this last-minute for Pitchfork, and somewhere, at this very moment, I’m in the deleted files of a NY Times Style section photographer. Life goal halfsies!

This project requires a needle and thread, but don’t worry about keeping it neat – you’ll be ripping it all out with your dehydrated, arthritic hands the next day anyway. Be sure to stick to sturdy fabrics, like denim, that can support the weight of the flowers, and opt for buds that can withstand being punctured. I highly recommend weaving a few leaves into the design as well, to give it more oomph and also really drive home the fact that THESE ARE FRESH FLOWERS, PEOPLE, I’M A VERY IMPORTANT AND FRIVOLOUS ARTIST, ALBEIT A VERY OLD ONE.

DIY Tutorial: Fresh Flower Embellishment

DIY Tutorial - Sewn Fresh Flower Embellishment - howoldistooold.com

 

 

Materials:

  • Garment (denim jacket, perhaps?)
  • Flowers w/ leaves
  • Scissors
  • Needle
  • Thread
  • Pins

Instructions:

I didn’t really plan out a design for this project, but if you’re a bit more responsible – like, maybe the kind of person who just does their taxes instead of letting the worry and annoyance eat away at you like a parasite to the point where you can’t write a blog post, because you don’t even want to touch your computer … – feel free to use a piece of chalk or something to draw out your design in advance. 

Begin by snipping a few buds at their bases, removing the stems entirely. Using your needle, secure a length of thread to your garment, then puncture the base of your first flower, pulling the thread out the other side and back into the garment a couple of times. Repeat for each flower [basically just sew them on by hand – you know how this works, right?]. It can be a total mess on the inside, just make sure you’re not pulling the thread so taut that the fabric puckers. Use pins, as needed, to lay out a few flowers at a time (best not to do this all at once in the beginning, because you’ll need to get your hands in there as you go). When you’re happy with your design, sew in a few leaves here and there to really bring it to life.

Notes:

If you choose a hearty flower, and you’re not in excessive heat, this should last you all evening without spritzing or anything. And if you go with a color that doesn’t quickly turn brown (like red over pale pink, for instance), even a little wilting looks fine.

CWOP: Desperately Seeking Undies

Married, old lady in desperate need of good quality, but reasonably-priced, full coverage undies that won’t show horrible panty lines, but also won’t fall apart when machine washed and dried. Will accept granny, low-rise, boy short and bikini cuts. Comfort is key. Must fit under too-tight, high-waisted jeans.

Looking to throw out my entire unmentionables drawer and start from scratch. Will be buying in bulk. RECOMMENDATIONS AND HELP PLEASE!!!

Throw a #glittersmudge on the end of your comment to be in the running for our Glitter Smudge Kit Giveaway!

Illustration by Molly Marcucci

THE LAB: 7 Daring Fashion Trends to Try Before the World Hates You for Being Too Old

Vogue recently ran this fun article featuring seven SUPER DARING trends that only very lucky, so full of life because they have so much more of it than the rest of us, holy grail of all the ages, TWENTY SOMETHINGS can enjoy, being sure to note that they had best try these trends NOW before their perfectly smooth skin wrinkles unto itself, sucking all of the fashion trends up inside, never to be seen again. Or something.

As you know, we HOITOANS are always up for a challenge, and acknowledging that the very fiber of humanity as we know it could easily turn to dust (like our weary bones) should these VERY DARING FASHION TRENDS ever be seen on our decrepit bodies, we thought it was worth a shot. We’re going toe-to-toe, testing these looks in the name of SCIENCE.

Can two women over 35 wear trends Vogue deems fit only for 20-somethings??

Let’s find out.

1. IDGAF Logos

[Old person translation: IDGAF = I don’t give a fuck. Here, they’re suggesting we wear the logos of things we don’t give a fuck about on the seats of our loungewear.]

IMAGE VIA VOGUE VIA KYLIE JENNER'S INSTAGRAM IMAGE VIA VOGUE VIA KYLIE JENNER’S INSTAGRAM

We spent about thirty seconds discussing this trend, and quickly came to the conclusion that, having lived through this once before, NO ONE, not even fleshy, glowing twenty-year-olds, should attempt this look. ABORT! ABORT!

2. Backless for Day

Left Image via Vogue by Phil Oh Left Image via Vogue by Phil Oh

I honestly don’t even understand this one. Have you seen the bodies of women over 30?? After having a child, I’d walk around with my back exposed every day of my life to avoid anyone ever seeing my stomach. In fact, I can’t even wait for summer – I’m wearing this trend now!

LOOK AT THAT HIDEOUS OLD BACK. LOOK AT THAT HIDEOUS OLD BACK.

3. Exposed Underwear

IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE VIA CHRISTIAN DIOR; ON RIGHT, MOLLY WEARS A DRESS BY VERONICA SHEAFFER IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE VIA CHRISTIAN DIOR; ON RIGHT, MOLLY WEARS A DRESS BY VERONICA SHEAFFER

I acknowledge that this is daring, but I wouldn’t say there’s an age cap on this one, mainly because you’re still layering something over the underwear, per Vogue’s suggestion. And whereas I distinctly remember wearing a sheer lace blouse over a bra to go work AT AN OFFICE in the late-nineties (when I was in my LATE TEENS!!!), I think overall I’m much more confident for this look now. I remember the aforementioned moment so clearly, because I was saying “WTF WTF WTF have I done??” to myself all day long, whereas wearing a sheer blouse with a bra now is basically what I wear to drop my kid off at school. Plus, just look at gorgeous Molly – NO ONE would say she is too old for this look. SHE LOOKS GREAT.

4. Novelty Hosiery

IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE COURTESY OF GUCCI; ON RIGHT, MOLLY WEARS SOCKS BY PAN AND THE DREAM  IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE COURTESY OF GUCCI; ON RIGHT, MOLLY WEARS SOCKS BY PAN AND THE DREAM

Um, hello, I don’t know many 20-something boyfriends gifting beautiful nylon tulle stockings/socks to their girlfriends like Molly’s dreamboat 30-something husband gifted HER. And what are you saying here, Vogue?? That he should have given her compression socks or something instead??

5. Concert Merch

IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE

Should we really be glorifying the look on the left? Also, is 30 really the cut-off for concert merch? What if you actually attended the event? And what if you purchased the merch AT the event? Should they be carding for merch as well as for beer? WHO IS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE HERE??

6. Disco-Rave Platforms

Image on Left Via Vogue, Courtesy of Marc Jacobs Image on Left Via Vogue, Courtesy of Marc Jacobs

Sorry, Vogue, my hooves look like baby feet, and my 5′ 4″ frame is lifted to everyone else’s eye level in these platforms. I will never stop with them.

7. Skirt/Dress Over Pants

IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE VIA GETTY; ON RIGHT, VERONICA WEARS A DRESSING GOWN BY VERONICA SHEAFFER (SAME PERSON) IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE VIA GETTY; ON RIGHT, VERONICA WEARS A DRESSING GOWN BY VERONICA SHEAFFER (SAME PERSON)

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. I LOVE this dressing gown/robe worn over casual jeans and cami. In fact, I’ve worn this before – with the whole thing sweeping around in the breeze, feeling like a goddamn Venus – to great success. My only regret here is that I forgot to change into my high-waisted jeans for this picture. MAJOR REGRET. But still, will wear again another time with more flattering jeans.

THE VERDICT:

The scientific evidence does not lie – NONE of these very daring trends should be reserved for the under-30 set, with the exception of the IDGAF Logos, which we do not find appropriate for ANY age, legitimate babies or otherwise. Sorry, Kylie. Sorry, Vogue. You’re welcome, Humanity.

THE LAB: Wearing Kenzo SS17 Pink Temples in Real Life

Molly and I went out Friday night, and I wanted to do something major, but I was feeling the beginnings of a headache that has since ramped up and is STILL. GOING. <halp!> Anyway, I wanted to be all WOW, but I was feeling super WAH, so I needed something with maximum effect and minimal effort.

Then I remembered the bright pink temples I photoshopped onto Molly a la Kenzo Spring/Summer 2017 Runway, and yessssss.

It was nighttime, and the flash lost some of the more subtle shading, but you get the drift. I went a touch smaller than on the Kenzo runway, but the look was definitely not lost in person – it played fashion girl up close and consumptive from across the room, so obviously it was perfect.

Application could not have been easier – I dipped a brush into Mac powder blush in Sweetness (which appears to be discontinued, but any wild pink will do), and dabbed onto the outside corners of my eyes, blending outward. I went slightly above my eyebrows and onto my cheekbones, but you can’t see that at all here. I also used a bit on my eyelids, which I think worked nicely with all the veins showing through my paper thin old lady skin.

What I like MOST about this look is that any other makeup really looks clownish, so less is more, which equals more time laying in bed before going out – always a plus when you’re old with responsibilities and also tired all of the time. I just wore a light BB cream, under eye concealer, a slight dusting of eyebrow powder and mascara. I even removed most of the mascara I applied to my lower lashes, because it was too much. Next time I would add an eyeshadow primer, just because of all of those weirdo veins, but that’s it.

How old is too old to wear Kenzo Spring/Summer 2017 bright pink runway makeup in real life? NOT 37, I will tell you that. CANNOT WAIT TO WEAR AGAIN.

NY FASHION WEEK F/W 2017 RTW RECAP: Day 1

Image via Glamour
Image via Glamour

WHAT. A. WEEKEND. Hello, NYC, and HELLO SNOWSTORM!! Obvs nothing was going to keep us from the NY shows, but the trip from Chicago was NOT easy. Imagine three layovers, hiding in the under carriage of one very packed shuttle bus and bribing a very salty cab driver with all of our remaining donuts. V TRAUMATIC. But fortunately, we made it, and we are HERE and we are REPORTING!

We are also walking the runways again (*humbly, of course*) and somehow finding the time to watch a couple of shows from the front row (*again, so humble, ugh*), so we’ve got all the inside scoops! Be sure to follow along all week for the very best HOITO looks.

DAY 1

We, along with the rest of the fashion world, were just on TENTERHOOKS waiting for Raf Simons debut at Calvin Klein. The most anticipated show of the year did not disappoint. The Americana flavored collection also walked as one show – Mens and Womens collections were blended together. This did provide for a really special moment for Molly and Timmy who were thrilled to find they’d be in matching iconic denim jumpsuits. THANK YOU RAF! 

All images via The Cut. 
All images via The Cut. 

That romantic denim moment didn’t last long as Molly had to hop, skip, jump across the tents to make it her next shows! Up first was Jeremy Scott and the collective reaction was WUT. What is happening. No, what is NOT happening here?! Sequins, glitter, feathers, fur, neons, pastels, fringe, metallics, SEQUIN FRINGE METALLICS?! Is this an Elvis inspired protest parade? If yes, WE’D LOVE TO JOIN. And Molly did. With golden tears streaming down her face. 

Next, and also getting political, was Public School. Dark jewel tones with some light military nuetrals thrown in, the collection was tight and the message strong. Men and women shared the runway here as well, a trend we are V INTO. Genders blurred with woman in tailored and men in skirts and everyone in flat, fluffy slipper sneakers. 

We’ll be live ALL WEEK, stay tuned for more!

CWOP: Let’s Talk!

Have you been following the HOITO journey, feeling so invested, but maybe a little left out? Do you have QUESTIONS? We also have questions! Let’s ask each other questions!

At the moment, we’re thinking a lot about wrinkle creams, skin resurfacing, that black pore mask all over Facebook, that serum that makes elderly people look like thirty year olds RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES, lash treatments, Balayage, spray tans, Pat McGrath, clip-in extensions, bikini line grooming, buying Korean beauty products on Amazon, cellulite, breast augmentation, $400 hair dryers, middle part vs. deep part vs. no part, microblading, micro-needling, Baby Feet, art manicures, how to look good in pictures, teeth whitening, lip liners, contouring and a strange divot that runs down one side of Veronica’s face.

What are YOU thinking about? Add your ideas in the comments and be sure to follow along for new CONVERSATIONS WITH OLD PEOPLE to join the discussion!