FASHION WEEK: Undercover SS18 RTW

Did you guys catch the Undercover SS18 show? DY-ING. The entire show was TWINS, and considering Molly and I cannot spend two weeks apart without our entire equilibriums being thrown off-balance, and each developing shoulder/back issues, migraine headaches and general malaise and crankiness (TRUE STORY), this show could not be better suited to us.

ALSO. CLOTHES.

How Old is Too Old for Undercover SS18 RTW - Cindy Sherman and lips dress

Molly. This Cindy Sherman t-shirt dress is charming and comfortable, and I’m loving these Wilma Flintstone earrings and everything, but so help me god, I had BETTER GET A 3-D LIP APPLIQUE DRESS FOR MYSELF BEFORE I SET THIS PLACE ON FIRE.

How Old is Too Old for Undercover SS18 - fleece denim

It may surprise you to learn that Molly and I get recognized a lot in public (#bloggerlyfe #butfirstcoffee #amiright), and it’s probably because we’re always yelling out hashtags (#bloggerlyfe! #butfirstcoffee! #amiright??), but I’m hopeful it will one day be because we’re wearing coordinating fleece denim outfits where the lining of one is the fabric of the other OHMIGOD ARE THESE REVERSIBLE????

How Old is Too Old for Undercover SS18 - metallic midi dress

AAAAGGGGH! TOO OLD! TOO OLD! ABORT! ABORT!

This is exactly what Molly and I would (will) look like if (when) we decide(d) to co-habitate in a lakeside cottage in our 80s. We look like a slightly more haggard elderly Ethel and Lucy. No novelty midi-length sack dresses with hoofed boots and head scarves for us! Until the lake house, obvs.

How Old is Too Old for Undercover SS18 - sky sweater and skirts
Background images via The Cut | Face images by Anjali Pinto | Makeup by Shannon O’Brien

Only fifty years to go, Mollsyface.

PAPER DOLLS: Sonia Rykiel F/W 2017 Pre-Collection

What IS a “pre-collection” anyway? Is it, like, a collection and everything, but they’re still thinking about it? I mean, the deed is done, Sonia – EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. It’s also all for sale – along with some other collections/pre-collections/double-half-collections – so I am genuinely confused, but not really. We all need at least four collections per season per designer, obvs. I mean, ughs, what else are they supposed to post on Instagram over the next six months anyway?

SPEAKING OF …

This tip comes from reader Sarah B. who sent a private message on the ol’ Insta notifying us that a model on Sonia Rykiel’s feed looked a lot like Molly, and lo and behold …

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017 _ look 1 _ worn by How Old is Too Old
All background images via Sonia Rykiel

THE ACTUAL SPITTING IMAGE! Molly, you’ve been moonlighting!

Moonlighting as a vicar again. MOLLY!

Vicars are my fave.

And ugh those little poms on the backs of your shoes – cutest. The entire collection is full of tassels and pleating and ruffles and stripes and ALL THE THINGS.

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017 _ look 17 _ worn by How Old is Too Old

Pirates … are everything.

Can-Can entertainers … ARE. EVERYTHING.

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017 _ look 12 _ worn by How Old is Too Old

Micro-pleated, dolman-sleeved, high-necked, ruffled, flared-skirted, tasseled, belted SEPARATES

ARE

EVERYTHING!

Obviously, all of this came out a million years ago, and that’s why I’m tired of the tassels, even though in my heart I love them always and forever. Instagram ruins everything!

Fortunately, Sonia has thought of [see above] e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g and thrown in a few more timeless looks, like these …

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017 _ look 19 _ worn by How Old is Too Old

… Victorian under-cover gal reporter/consumptive shop keeper/cruel proprietor of a dirty children’s home. So effortless!

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017_ look 24 _ worn by How Old is Too Old

Ivory, witchy, drape-y Mrs. Havisham/obligatory 90’s reference/everyone in my high school drama club velvet dress. So romantic!

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017 _ look 6 _ worn by How Old is Too Old

And of course the beautiful and innocent, but overlooked, daughter of a family friend who never speaks her mind and just quietly allows one misunderstanding after another until the final five pages when the protagonist realizes she’s been there ALL ALONG!

Wait. Did I just live through a Charles Dickens novel?

Sonia Rykiel, you are a genius.

 

THE LAB: 7 Daring Fashion Trends to Try Before the World Hates You for Being Too Old

Vogue recently ran this fun article featuring seven SUPER DARING trends that only very lucky, so full of life because they have so much more of it than the rest of us, holy grail of all the ages, TWENTY SOMETHINGS can enjoy, being sure to note that they had best try these trends NOW before their perfectly smooth skin wrinkles unto itself, sucking all of the fashion trends up inside, never to be seen again. Or something.

As you know, we HOITOANS are always up for a challenge, and acknowledging that the very fiber of humanity as we know it could easily turn to dust (like our weary bones) should these VERY DARING FASHION TRENDS ever be seen on our decrepit bodies, we thought it was worth a shot. We’re going toe-to-toe, testing these looks in the name of SCIENCE.

Can two women over 35 wear trends Vogue deems fit only for 20-somethings??

Let’s find out.

1. IDGAF Logos

[Old person translation: IDGAF = I don’t give a fuck. Here, they’re suggesting we wear the logos of things we don’t give a fuck about on the seats of our loungewear.]

IMAGE VIA VOGUE VIA KYLIE JENNER'S INSTAGRAM IMAGE VIA VOGUE VIA KYLIE JENNER’S INSTAGRAM

We spent about thirty seconds discussing this trend, and quickly came to the conclusion that, having lived through this once before, NO ONE, not even fleshy, glowing twenty-year-olds, should attempt this look. ABORT! ABORT!

2. Backless for Day

Left Image via Vogue by Phil Oh Left Image via Vogue by Phil Oh

I honestly don’t even understand this one. Have you seen the bodies of women over 30?? After having a child, I’d walk around with my back exposed every day of my life to avoid anyone ever seeing my stomach. In fact, I can’t even wait for summer – I’m wearing this trend now!

LOOK AT THAT HIDEOUS OLD BACK. LOOK AT THAT HIDEOUS OLD BACK.

3. Exposed Underwear

IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE VIA CHRISTIAN DIOR; ON RIGHT, MOLLY WEARS A DRESS BY VERONICA SHEAFFER IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE VIA CHRISTIAN DIOR; ON RIGHT, MOLLY WEARS A DRESS BY VERONICA SHEAFFER

I acknowledge that this is daring, but I wouldn’t say there’s an age cap on this one, mainly because you’re still layering something over the underwear, per Vogue’s suggestion. And whereas I distinctly remember wearing a sheer lace blouse over a bra to go work AT AN OFFICE in the late-nineties (when I was in my LATE TEENS!!!), I think overall I’m much more confident for this look now. I remember the aforementioned moment so clearly, because I was saying “WTF WTF WTF have I done??” to myself all day long, whereas wearing a sheer blouse with a bra now is basically what I wear to drop my kid off at school. Plus, just look at gorgeous Molly – NO ONE would say she is too old for this look. SHE LOOKS GREAT.

4. Novelty Hosiery

IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE COURTESY OF GUCCI; ON RIGHT, MOLLY WEARS SOCKS BY PAN AND THE DREAM  IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE COURTESY OF GUCCI; ON RIGHT, MOLLY WEARS SOCKS BY PAN AND THE DREAM

Um, hello, I don’t know many 20-something boyfriends gifting beautiful nylon tulle stockings/socks to their girlfriends like Molly’s dreamboat 30-something husband gifted HER. And what are you saying here, Vogue?? That he should have given her compression socks or something instead??

5. Concert Merch

IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE

Should we really be glorifying the look on the left? Also, is 30 really the cut-off for concert merch? What if you actually attended the event? And what if you purchased the merch AT the event? Should they be carding for merch as well as for beer? WHO IS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE HERE??

6. Disco-Rave Platforms

Image on Left Via Vogue, Courtesy of Marc Jacobs Image on Left Via Vogue, Courtesy of Marc Jacobs

Sorry, Vogue, my hooves look like baby feet, and my 5′ 4″ frame is lifted to everyone else’s eye level in these platforms. I will never stop with them.

7. Skirt/Dress Over Pants

IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE VIA GETTY; ON RIGHT, VERONICA WEARS A DRESSING GOWN BY VERONICA SHEAFFER (SAME PERSON) IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE VIA GETTY; ON RIGHT, VERONICA WEARS A DRESSING GOWN BY VERONICA SHEAFFER (SAME PERSON)

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. I LOVE this dressing gown/robe worn over casual jeans and cami. In fact, I’ve worn this before – with the whole thing sweeping around in the breeze, feeling like a goddamn Venus – to great success. My only regret here is that I forgot to change into my high-waisted jeans for this picture. MAJOR REGRET. But still, will wear again another time with more flattering jeans.

THE VERDICT:

The scientific evidence does not lie – NONE of these very daring trends should be reserved for the under-30 set, with the exception of the IDGAF Logos, which we do not find appropriate for ANY age, legitimate babies or otherwise. Sorry, Kylie. Sorry, Vogue. You’re welcome, Humanity.