ADULT CONTEMPORARY: I No Longer Wear Under-Eye Concealer

The eyes, no matter how lovely, are the one feature that will always give away your age. In the darkness of night, your 20-year-old Lyft driver might, at first glance, assume you are as young as he and needing an introduction to such fringe bands as Green Day and Maroon 5 (*TRUE STORY*), but in the light of day … if you’ve lived your life … no amount of Botox (or alternatives), will completely mask the wisdom held within.

Yes, my dear boy, I have heard of Green Day.

“WAIT,” he said confusedly, “you’re not in your … THIRTIES??”

How Old is Too Old - I have stopped using under eye concealer

And so eye creams and under eyes masks and cucumbers or whatever. But I’ve decided to focus less on keeping mine plump and bright and am instead embracing the fact that I have, indeed, seen some stuff, and that these peepers hold a depth of knowledge within.

“Here, darling, try Velvet Underground instead.”

I recently read in Vogue that French women apparently do not wear under-eye concealer. And instead of rolling my very concealed eyes, I was genuinely thrilled with the concept of letting your weariness and experience show on your face in just this one area. This was the first bit of advice that, to me, ACTUALLY could make a person look more interesting and “French” (aside from “Boul“, obviously). And I immediately stopped applying concealer on the inside corners and just beneath my eyes. I still use a little in the outside corner – where I have dark pink spots – but everything else is kept natural.

Can I tell you that I LOVE IT??

I doubt anyone notices, to be honest, but it makes me feel like I’m carrying around a little secret. I’ve even started darkening my eyelids a bit with a smudge of bronzer and covering that with a sweep of Vaseline, to play up my naturally shiny eyelids. It’s like I’m daring the world to guess how old I am – just look at all this very apparent mileage and wisdom.

As I stepped out of the car, breeze billowing my shirt up around me, I heard that baby boy subtly turn up the New York Dolls album I had suggested just before he sped away into the night, and I smiled to myself.

Guys, he thought I was in my twenties.

THE LAB: Soft Chin Sparkle, Round 1

Who here is plagued by a soft chin? It’s not a double chin, necessarily, it’s just not a super defined chin. And, short of a face lift or something, it’s just ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOFT. It is also, brace yourself, only getting worse, thanks. What, short of constantly rolling your tongue to the roof of your mouth or gluing the back of your hand to your chin, can you EVEN DOOOO?

Why are you even troubling yourself over this? Glitter fixes EVERYTHING.

This is an introductory tutorial, because the first attempt was a near-win (or near-miss, depending on whether you’re the kind of person who sees your chin as half-chiseled or half-saggy). But of course, not every trip into the LAB is a total success – perfection takes time, and you’ve had this soft chin, or the makings of it anyway, all your saggy life.

SOFT CHIN SPARKLE EXPERIMENT, ROUND 1

Materials:
– Petroleum jelly
– Fine glitter
– Makeup brush
– Surprise element (optional) I used these plastic Martha Stewart scrapbooking flowers

STEP 1: Liberally apply a layer of petroleum jelly to your soft, old lady chin and down into your neck. Full coverage is essential.

STEP 2: Dip your makeup brush into the glitter and gently dab all over, being sure to cover all of the petroleum jellied surfaces.

STEP 3: WHOA. This looks like a sparkling, three o’ clock shadow, but way prettier. You and your soft chin look GREAT.

STEP 4: Dab a bit of spirit gum to the back of your “surprise element” [plastic flowers] and wait until tacky.

STEP 5: Apply to skin. Hold in place until adhered. Repeat as needed, traveling down into the neck, but avoiding the soft chin area.

STEP 6: Assess. Does your soft chin look defined? YES. But do you maybe need more glitter to provide better coverage and make the flowers look less like tumors? ALSO YES.

THE VERDICT:

Am I too old to wear glitter and flowers all over my soft chin? NO. I LOOK GREAT. However … the application could definitely be improved. Next time, I’ll bring the glitter down much farther into my neck, perhaps even the décolletage, and scatter the flowers a bit lower as well. I’ll also go much heavier on the glitter application up top, softly fading into nothing. Overall, I think this will definitely accomplish what’s desired – a more defined chin – it just needs a little tweaking. But HELLO, there is no denying that regardless of the misses here, my chin looks fine AF.

Will these changes be all it takes to bring this from a near-miss to a total win?? Find out in ROUND 2!

THE LAB: Wearing Kenzo SS17 Pink Temples in Real Life

Molly and I went out Friday night, and I wanted to do something major, but I was feeling the beginnings of a headache that has since ramped up and is STILL. GOING. <halp!> Anyway, I wanted to be all WOW, but I was feeling super WAH, so I needed something with maximum effect and minimal effort.

Then I remembered the bright pink temples I photoshopped onto Molly a la Kenzo Spring/Summer 2017 Runway, and yessssss.

It was nighttime, and the flash lost some of the more subtle shading, but you get the drift. I went a touch smaller than on the Kenzo runway, but the look was definitely not lost in person – it played fashion girl up close and consumptive from across the room, so obviously it was perfect.

Application could not have been easier – I dipped a brush into Mac powder blush in Sweetness (which appears to be discontinued, but any wild pink will do), and dabbed onto the outside corners of my eyes, blending outward. I went slightly above my eyebrows and onto my cheekbones, but you can’t see that at all here. I also used a bit on my eyelids, which I think worked nicely with all the veins showing through my paper thin old lady skin.

What I like MOST about this look is that any other makeup really looks clownish, so less is more, which equals more time laying in bed before going out – always a plus when you’re old with responsibilities and also tired all of the time. I just wore a light BB cream, under eye concealer, a slight dusting of eyebrow powder and mascara. I even removed most of the mascara I applied to my lower lashes, because it was too much. Next time I would add an eyeshadow primer, just because of all of those weirdo veins, but that’s it.

How old is too old to wear Kenzo Spring/Summer 2017 bright pink runway makeup in real life? NOT 37, I will tell you that. CANNOT WAIT TO WEAR AGAIN.

THE LAB: DIY Faux Fur Shoe Puff Tutorial

I recently acquired a pair of these simple, white leather Kenneth Cole sneakers on a shoot, and while I totally appreciate their practicality, I also have had one single thought running through my head since I first laid eyes on them:

DIY Faux Fur Shoe Puff Tutorial

Just look at how they’ve transformed into so fashion girl, so runway, so delicately navigating the very fine line between couture and raver, but obviously so beyond gorgeous and bizarre that everyone will compliment you because ugh, puffs on your shoes.

First things first, you are, WITHOUT QUESTION, too old for these, but that’s the thing about very weird, over the top accessories – the more grand and outrageous, the more completely acceptable on any wearer. So go forth, without abandon. You will love these shoe puffs, and the world will love you IN these shoe puffs. Plus, they take, like, no time to make.

DIY Faux Fur Shoe Puff Tutorial

Materials:

  • Lace-up shoes
  • Faux fur (I recommend a long pile)
  • Ribbon
  • Scissors
  • Ruler (not pictured)
  • Needle and thread
  • Fray Block or craft glue (NOT PICTURED FORGIVE ME)

Instructions:

Begin by measuring the fur to your desired shape and cut to size. When working with a long pile, try to cut just the backing layer and avoid the “fur” as best you can. It will pull apart easily without getting any choppy edges.

Run a generous line of Fray Block or craft glue along all raw edges to prevent any unraveling or fur loss.

Cut a length of ribbon to match the width of each fur “puff” and stitch about 1/2 inch down from the top edge at the ends and center, creating two loops.

Place a fur puff on each shoe and thread the top laces through the loops of ribbon. Tie as usual. You can leave the laces peeking out the top or tuck them in under the fur.

I like these as-is, but I also really love adding a set of matching brooches on top. It makes me feel like I’m wearing a pair of VERY fancy slippers. Like some 18th century french courtesan, just like, eating avocado toast and drinking coffee and blogging.

Seriously though.

THE LAB: Glitter Smudge

I have preeeeettttyyyy terrible eyesight. I got my first pair of glasses in third grade but have also been highly adverse to wearing glasses since third grade. Most people think I don’t like them since I ignore them on a routine basis until they realize it’s that I just can’t SEE them. While this allowed me to pass my youth glasses free, it really really dug that mid brow furrow in DEEP. Like my aunts suggested Botox in high school deep. Which was bad enough on a line free face THEN and is a near tragedy now that I’ve for frown lines and emerging crows feet to deal with. I DID actually get Botox once, and will again, but WHOA MONIES. So, while I attempt to claw together some more dollars, it’s time to step into the lab for another Botox Alternative!

GLITTER SMUDGE TUTORIAL

Materials:

  • Clear Lip Gloss (I used Wet & Wild in Crystal Clear, it’s $1.99, but any will do)
  • A selection on your favorite glitters in several sizes (I used a MAC ultra fine loose glitter, a MAC medium glitter, and two chunkier glitters that came with a nail kit. Go bananas. There are no rules in The Lab. (Except the ones below. Follow these rules.))

Instructions:

As always in The Lab, start with a completely clean face; covered in makeup.

Take stock of your problem area and measure your furrow best you can without looking at it took long.

Roughly sketch out the surface area you think you’ll need. Go slightly bigger as your wrinkles are probably worse then you think. 

HERE WE GO, GUYS! Combine glitters starting with a base of the finest glitters and adding volume as you go. For my first go at the Glitter Smudge, I stayed in one color family – icey whites. I used different sizes to get texture and all have different reflective properties. I wasn’t going to use any of the silver because I was afraid it would read too “Ash Wednesday,” BUT then I recalled how youthful Veronica looked when she added those grey flowers to her Floral Garden Forehead, so I threw caution to the wind and ended up adding a big bump of silver onto my snowy glitter mountain. You are already COMPLETELY COVERED in glitter, so just get in there and toss those glitters together. 

Apply lip gloss to furrow. To ensure furrow coverage, do the thing that gave you the furrow in the first place. (I pretended someone was calling my name from across the street and that I was trying v hard to see who it was.) Take care to COMPLETELY cover furrow as well as the surrounding area, and some area around that as well. Do not hold back. Layer several coats until you are sure your furrow is very tacky.

NOW. Pull your hair back. AIM. Dip forehead into glitter circle. 

Find some light and BASK IN YOUR (WRINKLE FREE) BEAUTY! 

NY FASHION WEEK FW 2017 RTW RECAP: Day 2

You know that feeling when you go through your closet, and even though it holds probably at least 500 articles of clothing, you just have NOTHING to wear? It’s like … you look and look and look at EVERYTHING, and you feel like wearing NONE OF IT, because it’s all sort of boring and “fall/winter” and dark and gloomy and too practical for this very sad world, hello where are the crystals, why does Molly get all the cool gold Phoenix capes and sequin carwash skirts?

DAY 2

Background image via THE CUT
Background image via THE CUT

You may as well just forgo the actual outfit and instead wear this SUPER GLAM but also very serious, so perfect for when you must leave the house in an over-sized pajama t-shirt, but still be prepared to both run into people at the grocery store and then spontaneously join them for spiced tea in some private clubroom covered in red brocade, leather and fur coat with matching fur helmet by Vivienne Hu.

Background image via THE CUT
Background image via THE CUT

OR just focus on one key element you love – like a gorgeous pair of blue sparkle straight-cut high-waisted trousers. If you can’t find anything to wear with them, pull in a couple of key accessories – like a giant head flower and black veil – and cover up all of the leftover bits with a showstopping handful of blossoms, like I did at the Adam Selman show when that silly man tried to style me in a crop top, and in a rage, I just knocked over a vase full of flowers from Rihanna and used them to cover up on my way out to the runway. NO ONE PUTS ME IN A CROP TOP, ADAM, I AM 37 YEARS OLD AND I DON’T WORK OUT. I TOLD YOU.

Background image via Instagram @kyurchik
Background image via Instagram @kyurchik

I loved both looks, obvs, but I was too warm in the first scenario and too scratchy in the next, and all of this AFTER the Alexander Wang show, where they cut and dyed my hair and squeezed me into head-to-toe black leather and only THEN told me there was no after party, just loads and loads of beer (ugh, do you know what beer does to the stomach of a 37-year-old who doesn’t work out?) and thus I immediately left and went and cried in our hotel room, because #NYFW, guys.

CWOP: Let’s Talk!

Have you been following the HOITO journey, feeling so invested, but maybe a little left out? Do you have QUESTIONS? We also have questions! Let’s ask each other questions!

At the moment, we’re thinking a lot about wrinkle creams, skin resurfacing, that black pore mask all over Facebook, that serum that makes elderly people look like thirty year olds RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES, lash treatments, Balayage, spray tans, Pat McGrath, clip-in extensions, bikini line grooming, buying Korean beauty products on Amazon, cellulite, breast augmentation, $400 hair dryers, middle part vs. deep part vs. no part, microblading, micro-needling, Baby Feet, art manicures, how to look good in pictures, teeth whitening, lip liners, contouring and a strange divot that runs down one side of Veronica’s face.

What are YOU thinking about? Add your ideas in the comments and be sure to follow along for new CONVERSATIONS WITH OLD PEOPLE to join the discussion!