FASHION WEEK: Undercover SS18 RTW

Did you guys catch the Undercover SS18 show? DY-ING. The entire show was TWINS, and considering Molly and I cannot spend two weeks apart without our entire equilibriums being thrown off-balance, and each developing shoulder/back issues, migraine headaches and general malaise and crankiness (TRUE STORY), this show could not be better suited to us.

ALSO. CLOTHES.

How Old is Too Old for Undercover SS18 RTW - Cindy Sherman and lips dress

Molly. This Cindy Sherman t-shirt dress is charming and comfortable, and I’m loving these Wilma Flintstone earrings and everything, but so help me god, I had BETTER GET A 3-D LIP APPLIQUE DRESS FOR MYSELF BEFORE I SET THIS PLACE ON FIRE.

How Old is Too Old for Undercover SS18 - fleece denim

It may surprise you to learn that Molly and I get recognized a lot in public (#bloggerlyfe #butfirstcoffee #amiright), and it’s probably because we’re always yelling out hashtags (#bloggerlyfe! #butfirstcoffee! #amiright??), but I’m hopeful it will one day be because we’re wearing coordinating fleece denim outfits where the lining of one is the fabric of the other OHMIGOD ARE THESE REVERSIBLE????

How Old is Too Old for Undercover SS18 - metallic midi dress

AAAAGGGGH! TOO OLD! TOO OLD! ABORT! ABORT!

This is exactly what Molly and I would (will) look like if (when) we decide(d) to co-habitate in a lakeside cottage in our 80s. We look like a slightly more haggard elderly Ethel and Lucy. No novelty midi-length sack dresses with hoofed boots and head scarves for us! Until the lake house, obvs.

How Old is Too Old for Undercover SS18 - sky sweater and skirts
Background images via The Cut | Face images by Anjali Pinto | Makeup by Shannon O’Brien

Only fifty years to go, Mollsyface.

NYFW September 2017 STREET STYLE

Everyone knows assorted fashion weeks are all about STREET STYLE. What did your favorite bloggers wear to wander and pose uninterestedly back and forth in front of photographers scattered across town, to then maybe cram into the back of the standing-room-only sections of the biggest designers’ shows?? Obviously these fashionistas just lazily threw on those casual ballgown/fur coat/mesh-lace bustier/thigh-high stiletto/it-bag looks, because they are the very most comfortable things in their closets. Fashion bloggers, if anything, strive always to show us their VERY REAL LIVES.

Unfortunately for us, the airline lost all five of our LV trunks this season, and Molly and I were forced to run desperately from show to show wearing just the clothes on our backs. The other bloggers scoffed at first, then longed for our sensible shoes, then chased poor Molly through the streets of NYC, grasping desperately at her much-needed lattes.

How Old is Too Old - street style
Source Photo: The Style Stalker

It was such a relief to finally get backstage, where we could but-first-coffee in peace.

How Old is Too Old at NYFW
Source Photo: @vetements_official/Instagram

And then THIS, the worst moment of 2017 …

How Old is Too Old - NYFW SS18 - Zimmerman
Source Photo: Getty Images

… when I mistakenly walked out onto the runway at Zimmerman in my AIRPLANE STREET STYLE CLOTHES, thinking it was the door to the ladies’. To be honest, though, it was a really great view of the show, so I stayed there for the remainder. People LOVE when old ladies do what they want! Worst moment = Best moment!

coffee inspiration

CONVERSATIONS WITH OLD PEOPLE: What is the Best Highlighter?

Perhaps your Facebook feed is full of important issues, but recently mine has become nothing but sponsored videos of people applying contours and highlights to their seemingly “ordinary” faces, transforming into runway models right before my very eyes.

Obviously it’s all entirely fascinating. And what is even more obvious is that these people are using product far superior to my occasional drugstore bronzer/sparkle blush combo impulse purchase (those never work, by the way). These aged eyes cannot make out the products these vloggers quickly wiggle in front of their open palms, nor do I care enough to read through the comments for the answers to my questions. I watch the videos in a Facebook auto-played loop and then check my Instagram for the fiftieth time and go to bed.

Best makeup highlighter 2017
illustration by Molly Marcucci

But I KNOW some of you must have the answers to my shiny (in just the right places) face questions. What do you use? How much does it cost? IS there a drug store option worth trying? And where do I, with my very long oval face, apply it?

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.

PAPER DOLLS: Sonia Rykiel F/W 2017 Pre-Collection

What IS a “pre-collection” anyway? Is it, like, a collection and everything, but they’re still thinking about it? I mean, the deed is done, Sonia – EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. It’s also all for sale – along with some other collections/pre-collections/double-half-collections – so I am genuinely confused, but not really. We all need at least four collections per season per designer, obvs. I mean, ughs, what else are they supposed to post on Instagram over the next six months anyway?

SPEAKING OF …

This tip comes from reader Sarah B. who sent a private message on the ol’ Insta notifying us that a model on Sonia Rykiel’s feed looked a lot like Molly, and lo and behold …

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017 _ look 1 _ worn by How Old is Too Old
All background images via Sonia Rykiel

THE ACTUAL SPITTING IMAGE! Molly, you’ve been moonlighting!

Moonlighting as a vicar again. MOLLY!

Vicars are my fave.

And ugh those little poms on the backs of your shoes – cutest. The entire collection is full of tassels and pleating and ruffles and stripes and ALL THE THINGS.

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017 _ look 17 _ worn by How Old is Too Old

Pirates … are everything.

Can-Can entertainers … ARE. EVERYTHING.

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017 _ look 12 _ worn by How Old is Too Old

Micro-pleated, dolman-sleeved, high-necked, ruffled, flared-skirted, tasseled, belted SEPARATES

ARE

EVERYTHING!

Obviously, all of this came out a million years ago, and that’s why I’m tired of the tassels, even though in my heart I love them always and forever. Instagram ruins everything!

Fortunately, Sonia has thought of [see above] e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g and thrown in a few more timeless looks, like these …

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017 _ look 19 _ worn by How Old is Too Old

… Victorian under-cover gal reporter/consumptive shop keeper/cruel proprietor of a dirty children’s home. So effortless!

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017_ look 24 _ worn by How Old is Too Old

Ivory, witchy, drape-y Mrs. Havisham/obligatory 90’s reference/everyone in my high school drama club velvet dress. So romantic!

Sonia Rykiel pre collection fw 2017 _ look 6 _ worn by How Old is Too Old

And of course the beautiful and innocent, but overlooked, daughter of a family friend who never speaks her mind and just quietly allows one misunderstanding after another until the final five pages when the protagonist realizes she’s been there ALL ALONG!

Wait. Did I just live through a Charles Dickens novel?

Sonia Rykiel, you are a genius.

 

THE LAB: Batiste, You Beast

File this one under “Old Dog, Old Tricks,” friends, because obviously everyone on Earth knows and uses Batiste, except me, until now. WHAT IS THIS MAGICAL POTION???

I’m not new to dry shampoo or anything – I wash my hair once or twice a week, and I know all too well the greasy dirt bomb that is the morning of Day 4 – but I’ve never found a product that could truly do all the things. And so I’ve been sprinkling baby powder on my roots (and all over my black clothes and sink and bath mat) for YEARS, not knowing that someone basically solved all of life’s mysteries, put it in an aerosol can, drew adorable cherries on the label, and then went and sold it for eight dollars.

It does all the things I could possibly dream of it doing, but somehow manages to be even better. Guys, LOOK AT MY HAIR:

Batiste dry shampoo review - How Old is Too Old

Stop washing your hair and just use Batiste instead - says this old person

Batiste saved my life tonight sugar bear

It’s Monday, and I haven’t washed my hair – or even gotten it wet – since … Thursday? I can’t even remember, it’s been that long!

I wasn’t even going to write about this, but I used it this morning and the record of my life metaphorically scratched, and I had to say something.

Never washing my hair again, obvs.

Batiste dry shampoo review
solar eclipse viewing.

 

 

ADULT CONTEMPORARY: I No Longer Wear Under-Eye Concealer

The eyes, no matter how lovely, are the one feature that will always give away your age. In the darkness of night, your 20-year-old Lyft driver might, at first glance, assume you are as young as he and needing an introduction to such fringe bands as Green Day and Maroon 5 (*TRUE STORY*), but in the light of day … if you’ve lived your life … no amount of Botox (or alternatives), will completely mask the wisdom held within.

Yes, my dear boy, I have heard of Green Day.

“WAIT,” he said confusedly, “you’re not in your … THIRTIES??”

How Old is Too Old - I have stopped using under eye concealer

And so eye creams and under eyes masks and cucumbers or whatever. But I’ve decided to focus less on keeping mine plump and bright and am instead embracing the fact that I have, indeed, seen some stuff, and that these peepers hold a depth of knowledge within.

“Here, darling, try Velvet Underground instead.”

I recently read in Vogue that French women apparently do not wear under-eye concealer. And instead of rolling my very concealed eyes, I was genuinely thrilled with the concept of letting your weariness and experience show on your face in just this one area. This was the first bit of advice that, to me, ACTUALLY could make a person look more interesting and “French” (aside from “Boul“, obviously). And I immediately stopped applying concealer on the inside corners and just beneath my eyes. I still use a little in the outside corner – where I have dark pink spots – but everything else is kept natural.

Can I tell you that I LOVE IT??

I doubt anyone notices, to be honest, but it makes me feel like I’m carrying around a little secret. I’ve even started darkening my eyelids a bit with a smudge of bronzer and covering that with a sweep of Vaseline, to play up my naturally shiny eyelids. It’s like I’m daring the world to guess how old I am – just look at all this very apparent mileage and wisdom.

As I stepped out of the car, breeze billowing my shirt up around me, I heard that baby boy subtly turn up the New York Dolls album I had suggested just before he sped away into the night, and I smiled to myself.

Guys, he thought I was in my twenties.

THE LAB: DIY Fresh Flower Embellishment

What’s this? Two LABS in a row?? Lollapalooza just wrapped (hello drunk babies!), and because I’m on summer mode and very behind schedule in everything, here’s a perfectly-timed tutorial to help you look super relevant at all of your future outdoor music events. I think there’s only one big festival left this year in Chicago, but this look also works well for parties and art shows, and any other time it’s acceptable to admit that you need lots of attention, so be sure to save to your Pinterest board (we need the traffic!) and pull this one out when you need a real ‘WOW’ moment.

DIY Fresh Flower Embellishment - sew fresh flowers to your jacket - by How Old is Too Old

People will LOSE THEIR MINDS.

I know, because I did this last-minute for Pitchfork, and somewhere, at this very moment, I’m in the deleted files of a NY Times Style section photographer. Life goal halfsies!

This project requires a needle and thread, but don’t worry about keeping it neat – you’ll be ripping it all out with your dehydrated, arthritic hands the next day anyway. Be sure to stick to sturdy fabrics, like denim, that can support the weight of the flowers, and opt for buds that can withstand being punctured. I highly recommend weaving a few leaves into the design as well, to give it more oomph and also really drive home the fact that THESE ARE FRESH FLOWERS, PEOPLE, I’M A VERY IMPORTANT AND FRIVOLOUS ARTIST, ALBEIT A VERY OLD ONE.

DIY Tutorial: Fresh Flower Embellishment

DIY Tutorial - Sewn Fresh Flower Embellishment - howoldistooold.com

 

 

Materials:

  • Garment (denim jacket, perhaps?)
  • Flowers w/ leaves
  • Scissors
  • Needle
  • Thread
  • Pins

Instructions:

I didn’t really plan out a design for this project, but if you’re a bit more responsible – like, maybe the kind of person who just does their taxes instead of letting the worry and annoyance eat away at you like a parasite to the point where you can’t write a blog post, because you don’t even want to touch your computer … – feel free to use a piece of chalk or something to draw out your design in advance. 

Begin by snipping a few buds at their bases, removing the stems entirely. Using your needle, secure a length of thread to your garment, then puncture the base of your first flower, pulling the thread out the other side and back into the garment a couple of times. Repeat for each flower [basically just sew them on by hand – you know how this works, right?]. It can be a total mess on the inside, just make sure you’re not pulling the thread so taut that the fabric puckers. Use pins, as needed, to lay out a few flowers at a time (best not to do this all at once in the beginning, because you’ll need to get your hands in there as you go). When you’re happy with your design, sew in a few leaves here and there to really bring it to life.

Notes:

If you choose a hearty flower, and you’re not in excessive heat, this should last you all evening without spritzing or anything. And if you go with a color that doesn’t quickly turn brown (like red over pale pink, for instance), even a little wilting looks fine.