Let’s be perfectly honest here: I get Botox injections between, and a little above, my eyebrows. It’s expensive and vain AF, and I do it anyway, because I’m insecure, and for whatever STUPID AF reason, I get a thrill out of Lyft drivers thinking I’m in my twenties (which comes up a lot for some other stupid reason, which I’ve yet to discover). Lately, I’ve been recognizing more and more what a colossal waste of money and energy all of this is, but still, I just like the look of my face more without those particular wrinkles.
SO SUE ME.
Anyway, after my semi-recent career change, I can no longer afford to get twice-annual injections. The “med spa” I use always runs a special around Mothers’ Day, so I treat myself, and then crawl into a hole to rapidly age during the winter months. It’s a less-than-ideal situation, compounding more sadness onto my already gloomy winter disposition. But this year, just as those lines began to reappear, Facebook (aware, no doubt, of my Botox schedule) showed me an ad for the SiO Beauty Browlift – a facial pad worn at night to stop you from furrowing in your angry sleep, thus allowing those tortured muscles to RELAX for once.
No furrows = no wrinkles, friends.
A little about me: I don’t work out, but I do have very strong brow muscles (just ask any aesthetician about to administer me Botox). [side note: Let’s not talk about how much I NEED the Botox you’re about to bestow upon me, thanks.] I also have a strong gross factor – like, if I imagine something in the fridge going bad, that and everything else in there is now too disgusting to consume.
I’m a complicated person.
A little about the SiO Beauty Browlift: it’s a thick, gooey slab of silicone that sticks on your face, night after night, slowly losing adhesion until it stops working altogether. You may feel compelled to wash it – because it’s been sitting on your oily face for eight hours every night – but then it’s not as sticky, and … not as effective.
Can you see where this is going?
SIO BEAUTY BROWLIFT REVIEW BY SOMEONE WITH ACTUAL WRINKLES
Day 1: Open the package – you’re SO EXCITED! Inside is a card with a giant silicone patch. Not much info, but whatever, you know what to do. It’s very sticky. VERY. Struggle to get the patch off of the card, stretching it out a bit, but who cares? Marvel at how it’s not entirely horrifying, and your husband doesn’t seem to mind, and drift off to sleep, dreaming about a wrinkle-free forehead.
Day 2: Remove the patch, and … yeah okay. Looks okay. Pores look kind of giant though. Oh and the stretched-out patch is now just a little too big to get back onto the card. Furrow your brow a little. Oh wait, just place it at an angle and look forward to the next night.
Day 3: Oh hello! Those wrinkles look so much better!! This is actually going to work for me! Pores again, though. And ew, it ripped out some eyebrows. I have to wash this. It says I can and should wash it, but it also says not to get anything on it and offers no explanation whatsoever of how to dry it without collecting a bunch of lint. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I rinse it, pat it lightly with my hand, blow on it and put it back onto the card. When I reapply that evening, I realize that was not a good idea – it’s a little … wiggly and … gross.
Day 4: Seeing no significant difference here, to be honest. And in order to hit my problem spot, it is always over my eyebrows. Gross factor RISING. Rinse it again. Really wishing I could apply a serum to my skin, because I like that better than a piece of chicken cutlet stuck to my face, but then the cutlet wouldn’t stick.
Day 5: I am so committed that I bring this on vacation. The card collects a bunch of dust in my toiletries bag. I wear it once, and it’s definitely not sticking as well anymore. The website says I’m supposed to get 15 uses out of this thing, but that seems impossible. And that lint. And the pores. And eyebrow hairs.
ABORT! ABORT! IT’S TOO DISGUSTING! I CAN’T DO THIS TO MYSELF ANY LONGER!!!
By the way, even though I do not have the mental fortitude to overcome anything slightly “icky” I would VERY MUCH recommend this product to anyone – male or female – who is caring for a newborn. Or sleep training. It is, quite literally, a perfect baby shower gift for those poor people who will someday soon lie in bed, begging all holy things for just one minute of goddamn sleep, furrowing away their entire meaningless existence. I wouldn’t have these wrinkles in the first place, had I not lived through THAT.
Sio Beauty Browlift – $29.95 + $4.99 shipping for 15 uses (or 5 uses if you’re like Veronica).
ALSO, Molly and I think you could probably get away with just buying silicone scar sheets and cutting to size.
Or just get the fucking Botox and be done with it.