I’m not sure that this is something I really want to declare publicly, but I’M SAD. Every day I drudge through, trying to uncover the mysterious source of this ailment. On a good day, it’s ‘just a phase!’, and on a bleak day, IT’S MY EVERY MINUTE FLAW. I can’t stop being such a f**king DOWNER.
I admit it’s been hard for me to pop in here and throw around jokes about getting older, when lately I’m just pretty down about getting older. Or maybe I’m down about something else, I honestly don’t know right now. I know my hair isn’t helping. And neither are all of the toddler tantrums. And the skin around my chin is doing something I don’t like, and I’m a little too blah to bother covering it with glitter. I’m not sure of my career. A mouse died in our dining room wall and the smell is INFURIATING. Our car always looks like shit. And I will dust and mop our entire house only to see a layer of dust settle over everything the very next day. I’m trying to slow down and lighten the load, but I still can’t keep up with the to-do list, no matter how short.
I’m always happy to get up in the morning – it’s not that sort of depression – and I’m optimistic about turning a new leaf, but when I stop to talk to a neighbor, or when I grab a drink with a friend, I can’t NOT carry a cloud along with me. In my head I’m saying “OHMIGOD, LIGHTEN UP!” but the conversation is still always a bit … dulled. I don’t feel liked. I mean, I don’t like myself, why would anyone else like me??? I don’t feel special. I feel … a bit heartbroken, to tell you the truth. Although I’m not sure why exactly.
I’M SO LUCKY. I mean, that definitely needs to be said. I KNOW I’M SO SERIOUSLY LUCKY.
I want to snap myself out of it. I just. Yeah, I don’t know. I’m sad.
And I know a lot of other people my age are feeling some of this same stuff. Maybe not as deeply as I’m feeling it (I know I take everything to ELEVEN), but feeling a little less satisfied and a little more uncertain. Watching your body and face change is difficult. Realizing you need to figure some shit out now because the world doesn’t like giving new opportunities to older people is F*CKING TERRIFYING.
Am I overreacting? How are you feeling? Please give me some advice, if you have it, because I very much want to feel better and start having fun again. XO