I’m not sure that this is something I really want to declare publicly, but I’M SAD. Every day I drudge through, trying to uncover the mysterious source of this ailment. On a good day, it’s ‘just a phase!’, and on a bleak day, IT’S MY EVERY MINUTE FLAW. I can’t stop being such a f**king DOWNER.

I admit it’s been hard for me to pop in here and throw around jokes about getting older, when lately I’m just pretty down about getting older. Or maybe I’m down about something else, I honestly don’t know right now. I know my hair isn’t helping. And neither are all of the toddler tantrums. And the skin around my chin is doing something I don’t like, and I’m a little too blah to bother covering it with glitter. I’m not sure of my career. A mouse died in our dining room wall and the smell is INFURIATING. Our car always looks like shit. And I will dust and mop our entire house only to see a layer of dust settle over everything the very next day. I’m trying to slow down and lighten the load, but I still can’t keep up with the to-do list, no matter how short.


I’m always happy to get up in the morning – it’s not that sort of depression – and I’m optimistic about turning a new leaf, but when I stop to talk to a neighbor, or when I grab a drink with a friend, I can’t NOT carry a cloud along with me. In my head I’m saying “OHMIGOD, LIGHTEN UP!” but the conversation is still always a bit … dulled. I don’t feel liked. I mean, I don’t like myself, why would anyone else like me??? I don’t feel special. I feel … a bit heartbroken, to tell you the truth. Although I’m not sure why exactly.

I’M SO LUCKY.  I mean, that definitely needs to be said. I KNOW I’M SO SERIOUSLY LUCKY.

I want to snap myself out of it. I just. Yeah, I don’t know. I’m sad.

And I know a lot of other people my age are feeling some of this same stuff. Maybe not as deeply as I’m feeling it (I know I take everything to ELEVEN), but feeling a little less satisfied and a little more uncertain. Watching your body and face change is difficult. Realizing you need to figure some shit out now because the world doesn’t like giving new opportunities to older people is F*CKING TERRIFYING.

Am I overreacting? How are you feeling? Please give me some advice, if you have it, because I very much want to feel better and start having fun again. XO

3 thoughts

  1. I feel dulled too and have that same exact cloud. Having experienced depression in the past this is different – like you, I can wake up and function but I will be carrying a conversation on with friends and catch myself avoiding eye contact or feeling “meh” or catch myself not wanting to make plans to actually do stuff – which is terrible. House work feels unending, home is a pigsty, and I am bitter and depressed that it is freaking impossible to find a decent rental or affordable starter home to buy around here. Also feeling stuck with things that just are tough to change, and yearning for an unrealistic solution i.e. “my apartment kinda blows and my commute definitely blows – if I find a new home my life will magically improve”. I think a huge part of this is lack of sleep and enough exercise. Hoping I can get the ball rolling on both of those things this summer but the struggle is real! I will say this – I got an amazing haircut and morale improved a wee bit!


    1. YES TO BANGIN’ HAIRCUTS. Also, this is probably no big surprise, but after you buy the house you just start worrying about mortgage payments IN ADDITION TO keeping the effing place clean. Exercise sounds good though. And sleep. My aunt suggested on Facebook that every morning when my feet hit the ground, I say “thank you.” I keep forgetting to do it, but reading it made me a little teary, because it’s a good reminder, right? Also, I went out one night and just pretended to be my old self again, and it honestly helped knock me out of the fog a little bit. Regardless, THANK YOU FOR WRITING!


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