Vogue recently ran this fun article featuring seven SUPER DARING trends that only very lucky, so full of life because they have so much more of it than the rest of us, holy grail of all the ages, TWENTY SOMETHINGS can enjoy, being sure to note that they had best try these trends NOW before their perfectly smooth skin wrinkles unto itself, sucking all of the fashion trends up inside, never to be seen again. Or something.
As you know, we HOITOANS are always up for a challenge, and acknowledging that the very fiber of humanity as we know it could easily turn to dust (like our weary bones) should these VERY DARING FASHION TRENDS ever be seen on our decrepit bodies, we thought it was worth a shot. We’re going toe-to-toe, testing these looks in the name of SCIENCE.
Can two women over 35 wear trends Vogue deems fit only for 20-somethings??
Let’s find out.
1. IDGAF Logos
[Old person translation: IDGAF = I don’t give a fuck. Here, they’re suggesting we wear the logos of things we don’t give a fuck about on the seats of our loungewear.]
IMAGE VIA VOGUE VIA KYLIE JENNER’S INSTAGRAM
We spent about thirty seconds discussing this trend, and quickly came to the conclusion that, having lived through this once before, NO ONE, not even fleshy, glowing twenty-year-olds, should attempt this look. ABORT! ABORT!
2. Backless for Day
Left Image via Vogue by Phil Oh
I honestly don’t even understand this one. Have you seen the bodies of women over 30?? After having a child, I’d walk around with my back exposed every day of my life to avoid anyone ever seeing my stomach. In fact, I can’t even wait for summer – I’m wearing this trend now!
LOOK AT THAT HIDEOUS OLD BACK.
3. Exposed Underwear
IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE VIA CHRISTIAN DIOR; ON RIGHT, MOLLY WEARS A DRESS BY VERONICA SHEAFFER
I acknowledge that this is daring, but I wouldn’t say there’s an age cap on this one, mainly because you’re still layering something over the underwear, per Vogue’s suggestion. And whereas I distinctly remember wearing a sheer lace blouse over a bra to go work AT AN OFFICE in the late-nineties (when I was in my LATE TEENS!!!), I think overall I’m much more confident for this look now. I remember the aforementioned moment so clearly, because I was saying “WTF WTF WTF have I done??” to myself all day long, whereas wearing a sheer blouse with a bra now is basically what I wear to drop my kid off at school. Plus, just look at gorgeous Molly – NO ONE would say she is too old for this look. SHE LOOKS GREAT.
4. Novelty Hosiery
IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE COURTESY OF GUCCI; ON RIGHT, MOLLY WEARS SOCKS BY PAN AND THE DREAM
Um, hello, I don’t know many 20-something boyfriends gifting beautiful nylon tulle stockings/socks to their girlfriends like Molly’s dreamboat 30-something husband gifted HER. And what are you saying here, Vogue?? That he should have given her compression socks or something instead??
5. Concert Merch
IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE
Should we really be glorifying the look on the left? Also, is 30 really the cut-off for concert merch? What if you actually attended the event? And what if you purchased the merch AT the event? Should they be carding for merch as well as for beer? WHO IS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE HERE??
6. Disco-Rave Platforms
Image on Left Via Vogue, Courtesy of Marc Jacobs
Sorry, Vogue, my hooves look like baby feet, and my 5′ 4″ frame is lifted to everyone else’s eye level in these platforms. I will never stop with them.
7. Skirt/Dress Over Pants
IMAGE ON LEFT VIA VOGUE VIA GETTY; ON RIGHT, VERONICA WEARS A DRESSING GOWN BY VERONICA SHEAFFER (SAME PERSON)
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. I LOVE this dressing gown/robe worn over casual jeans and cami. In fact, I’ve worn this before – with the whole thing sweeping around in the breeze, feeling like a goddamn Venus – to great success. My only regret here is that I forgot to change into my high-waisted jeans for this picture. MAJOR REGRET. But still, will wear again another time with more flattering jeans.
The scientific evidence does not lie – NONE of these very daring trends should be reserved for the under-30 set, with the exception of the IDGAF Logos, which we do not find appropriate for ANY age, legitimate babies or otherwise. Sorry, Kylie. Sorry, Vogue. You’re welcome, Humanity.