CARTS: Amazon Marketplace, Wrinkle-Specific

Fashionista just shared Amazon beauty’s top 26 sellers of 2016, and not a single item was all that mind-blowing. I mean, of course we all need a sturdy hand lotion and sunless spray bronzer, but every now and then I like to wander around the beauty section on Amazon, searching for a holy grail, offensively inexpensive solution to all that concerns me and my furrowed forehead, expanding pores and sagging chin. And that was definitely NOT on that list. Let’s see if we can do any better, shall we?

Calily Life Organic Anti-Aging Retinol Serum with Dead Sea Minerals, $16.95

Oh WHAT’S THIS? An anti-aging retinol serum with 200 user reviews ALL FIVE STARS for less than $20?? A DUH, BUYING IT.

Um … not so fast, old lady. Fortunately, I am so weird about spending money that I first need to REALLY THINK about a purchase for like thirty minutes before entering my oft-stolen credit card numbers. And during that time, I did a little digging. First of all, their moisturizer listing has the exact same rating and number of reviews and every user photo is of someone holding the tube in their hand like it’s an actual bar of gold (we all know that behavior is reserved only for Instagram and for those tempted by free product in exchange for five star reviews). I also google searched it for good measure, and the first full page of results is only amazon listings and the second page has some pinterest and ebays peppered in there, nothing else.

Clearly this shit is MADE OF PEOPLE.

Just kidding, it’s definitely not made of people. If it was made of people, I’d buy it, because people are expensive and it would probably actually work.


Secret Lift Pro – Face and Eye Lift, $16.95

I’m going to leave this image full-sized so you can see what the EFF is going on here. I’ve wanted these since high school, and they are what began this Amazon dive in the first place. I’ve already purchased, without hesitation, and I cannot WAIT to tell you about the super smooth forehead, firm chin and massive headache they give me.

Pretty Women Beauty Silicone Face Slimmer Mouth Muscle Tightener Present – $2.18


ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?? I can’t decide if the worst or best thing about this is that people will likely be lobbing popcorn into your gaping mouth all night long. It’s so completely horrifying that of course laugh lines become the least of your worries.

Seriously though, I think we all know what the real pur…


Finally. Someone is listening.

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