ADULT CONTEMPORARY: I No Longer Wear Under-Eye Concealer

The eyes, no matter how lovely, are the one feature that will always give away your age. In the darkness of night, your 20-year-old Lyft driver might, at first glance, assume you are as young as he and needing an introduction to such fringe bands as Green Day and Maroon 5 (*TRUE STORY*), but in the light of day … if you’ve lived your life … no amount of Botox (or alternatives), will completely mask the wisdom held within.

Yes, my dear boy, I have heard of Green Day.

“WAIT,” he said confusedly, “you’re not in your … THIRTIES??”

How Old is Too Old - I have stopped using under eye concealer

And so eye creams and under eyes masks and cucumbers or whatever. But I’ve decided to focus less on keeping mine plump and bright and am instead embracing the fact that I have, indeed, seen some stuff, and that these peepers hold a depth of knowledge within.

“Here, darling, try Velvet Underground instead.”

I recently read in Vogue that French women apparently do not wear under-eye concealer. And instead of rolling my very concealed eyes, I was genuinely thrilled with the concept of letting your weariness and experience show on your face in just this one area. This was the first bit of advice that, to me, ACTUALLY could make a person look more interesting and “French” (aside from “Boul“, obviously). And I immediately stopped applying concealer on the inside corners and just beneath my eyes. I still use a little in the outside corner – where I have dark pink spots – but everything else is kept natural.

Can I tell you that I LOVE IT??

I doubt anyone notices, to be honest, but it makes me feel like I’m carrying around a little secret. I’ve even started darkening my eyelids a bit with a smudge of bronzer and covering that with a sweep of Vaseline, to play up my naturally shiny eyelids. It’s like I’m daring the world to guess how old I am – just look at all this very apparent mileage and wisdom.

As I stepped out of the car, breeze billowing my shirt up around me, I heard that baby boy subtly turn up the New York Dolls album I had suggested just before he sped away into the night, and I smiled to myself.

Guys, he thought I was in my twenties.

CARTS: Molly’s Magazine Tears

Another stack of pages pulled out of magazines for me to squirrel away and forget about EXCEPT NO NOW I HAVE THIS BLOG.

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Zoe Kravitz – everything, yes? Her face is perfect as is but I am dead for those tiny blue lash spikes under her eyes. I will be taking this to The Lab asap. I am NOT dead for royal blue in general, but perhaps an exception? Or trying it in purple? Hot pink? Neon Orange?

Next up, what are your thoughts on a $400.00 hair dryer? My thoughts are:

  1. That’s crazy.
  2. Who is insane/rich enough to buy that?
  3. Does it make your hair magic?
  4. I have to have it.

Dyson Supersonic, I’d like it in White/Iron, $399. Claims to be fastest dryer ever. Light. Many attachments that are MAGNETIC. Ok, we can stop there. The attachments won’t be falling off? SOLD. (But not really, not yet.)

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Tinashe uses a Chanel Brow Pencil? What? I thought we were all using brow gels? Chanel Crayon Sourcils, $29. I have to go see Mirka to get these brows cleaned up and then I’m heading directly to the Chanel counter where I expect they will change my life forever. Will report back.

These Steve Madden Glory Heels are just that extra bit of froth I am looking for to anchor down all the giant linen boxes I want to wear this summer. Tiny odd cut dress, giant heavy but glinty shoes. The color makes them. The black is too Prom 2002, but the dusty rose with the mixed metal embellishments are totally Prom 2017.

My baby hair tangles like a … babies hair. This magazine says “Oribe’s Run Through Detangler is a must for my fine hair, which tangled easily.” OK ORIBE! Let’s untangle! $37.00, a steal when you consider that as soon as you run through the detangler you’re gonna hit it with some $399 Supersonic Heated Air.

Jumpsuit Scavenger x 2.

  1. Kristen Stewart wearing a Chanel sequin one piece. EVERYTHING about this is SOOOO awkward. The tube top top. The right below the knee crop. The fit. The sequins. UUUGH. It’s terrible. She looks great. I know I can’t because I am curves and she is flats BUT I want to at least try. I’ve searched the internet for a non Chanel something and nothing. You see anything?
  2. Rebel Wilson’s makeup artist appears to be wearing a denim cocoon of some sort? An ovoid egg shaped romper? I have google image searched for every combination possible of the following words: Denim. Jean. Chambray. Jumpsuit. Romper. One Piece. Egg shaped. Cocoon. Ovoid. Overalls. I checked Need Supply, Fine Folk, Bona Drag, and Mohawk. It’s not 69, Black Crane, or M6. No on ASOS, no on Yesstyle. I have found nothing even close. WHERE ARE YOU? WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRE ARE YOU?

 

THE LAB: DIY Fresh Flower Embellishment

What’s this? Two LABS in a row?? Lollapalooza just wrapped (hello drunk babies!), and because I’m on summer mode and very behind schedule in everything, here’s a perfectly-timed tutorial to help you look super relevant at all of your future outdoor music events. I think there’s only one big festival left this year in Chicago, but this look also works well for parties and art shows, and any other time it’s acceptable to admit that you need lots of attention, so be sure to save to your Pinterest board (we need the traffic!) and pull this one out when you need a real ‘WOW’ moment.

DIY Fresh Flower Embellishment - sew fresh flowers to your jacket - by How Old is Too Old

People will LOSE THEIR MINDS.

I know, because I did this last-minute for Pitchfork, and somewhere, at this very moment, I’m in the deleted files of a NY Times Style section photographer. Life goal halfsies!

This project requires a needle and thread, but don’t worry about keeping it neat – you’ll be ripping it all out with your dehydrated, arthritic hands the next day anyway. Be sure to stick to sturdy fabrics, like denim, that can support the weight of the flowers, and opt for buds that can withstand being punctured. I highly recommend weaving a few leaves into the design as well, to give it more oomph and also really drive home the fact that THESE ARE FRESH FLOWERS, PEOPLE, I’M A VERY IMPORTANT AND FRIVOLOUS ARTIST, ALBEIT A VERY OLD ONE.

DIY Tutorial: Fresh Flower Embellishment

DIY Tutorial - Sewn Fresh Flower Embellishment - howoldistooold.com

 

 

Materials:

  • Garment (denim jacket, perhaps?)
  • Flowers w/ leaves
  • Scissors
  • Needle
  • Thread
  • Pins

Instructions:

I didn’t really plan out a design for this project, but if you’re a bit more responsible – like, maybe the kind of person who just does their taxes instead of letting the worry and annoyance eat away at you like a parasite to the point where you can’t write a blog post, because you don’t even want to touch your computer … – feel free to use a piece of chalk or something to draw out your design in advance. 

Begin by snipping a few buds at their bases, removing the stems entirely. Using your needle, secure a length of thread to your garment, then puncture the base of your first flower, pulling the thread out the other side and back into the garment a couple of times. Repeat for each flower [basically just sew them on by hand – you know how this works, right?]. It can be a total mess on the inside, just make sure you’re not pulling the thread so taut that the fabric puckers. Use pins, as needed, to lay out a few flowers at a time (best not to do this all at once in the beginning, because you’ll need to get your hands in there as you go). When you’re happy with your design, sew in a few leaves here and there to really bring it to life.

Notes:

If you choose a hearty flower, and you’re not in excessive heat, this should last you all evening without spritzing or anything. And if you go with a color that doesn’t quickly turn brown (like red over pale pink, for instance), even a little wilting looks fine.

The Lab: Raffia Pom Pom Sandals DIY

Back from summer vacation and straight INTO THE LAB.

I brought these shoes into that super sterile environment full of science tools. And immediately discovered that these sandals are BORING. Dumb and boring. Hmmmm. RAFFIA POMS? Yes.

If you’ve ever made yarn pom poms, it’s the same basic idea.

Materials:

Instructions:

  • Raffia is easier in the beginning because it’s already folded over. I went with three folds, because I wanted them to be big. REALLY BIG.
  • Cut off your three folds and tie the center with string as tight as you can.
  • Cut a small felt square, this will help it adhere to the shoes. Raffia is hard to glue to shoes. Slice a small hole into the hole and thread the string though.
  • Cut any raffia that is connected or looped and start to spread the raffia. Now is when Raffia is harder then yarn. It’s not as fluffy as yard, so not as easy to spread. I had to scrunch it to make it fill out.
  • Once your pom is puffed, glue to shoe. Score the top of the sandal with your scissors, again to help adhere the pom. I scored the middle of the bottom strap near the top.
  • Add a LOT of glue to the felt square AND the shoe. Press pom to shoes where you scored.

 

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Press and press and press. AND THEN WEAR.

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AND WEAR.

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AND WEAR.

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DIY Raffia Pom Pom Sandals. Perfect for summer and making a hushed russling sound as you walk. If you like ASMR videos, you will LOVE these sandals.

PAPER DOLLS: Cavalli 2012 (And pin straight blonde hair.)

I miss being a blonde. hoito- molly- veronica-Naomi-Campbell-Karen-Elson-Kristen-McMenamy-Daphne-Groeneveld-by-Steven-Meisel-for-Robert-Cavalli-Spring-2012My shade of brown takes about 7 hours to get to white blonde (the only blonde worth having), and I have exactly two years before I have to get a pixie cut. Veronica fares much better as a redhead. And we both look great in Cavalli. molly veronica hoito cavalli still love it2012, the heyday of Cavalli, yes? And also, those stick straight blow outs. I think I knew how to do it then, we all did. Did we collectively lose that technology or it just me how can’t learn it again?

V. Also a vision in that baby blonde.

veronica cavalli hoiro in the lab howoldistooold
All images via Vogue. 

CARTS: Aspirational Blogger Look

Hey what’s up I’m still alive! Sorry, but … I needed a break. I’ll admit, I’ve found it difficult to live that aspirational blogger lyfe while maintaining any semblance of self respect and/or decency. I came up in the 90’s – a decade of sarcasm, pessimism and IRONY – this fake news world confuses me. Taking photos of yourself while pretending to hang out at cute cafes is bonkers. IT’S BONKERS PEOPLE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??? Cafes are boring! Painted walls are boring! I can’t even do this as a joke anymore.

You want something to aspire to? HERE:

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD for this Catherine Deneuve photographed by David Bailey for Vogue, 1968 look
original image source: David Bailey for Vogue, 1968 |Faces by Anjali Pinto | MUA Shannon O’Brien

HERE:

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD - Molly does Catherine Deneuve

HERE:

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD - flamingoes x 4

HERE:

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD - flamingos x 16

HERE:

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HERE:

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HERE:

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD flamingo wallpaper

SHOP THE LOOK

 

 

Carts: Glitter Makeup? Yeah, let’s do it again!

We were in high school in the late 90’s. So we DID glitter makeup. A lot of sheens, remember sheens? Frosted lips, frosted eyes. Shimmery glosses.

Somewhere along the line though, ’96? ’97? For sure by 1998, things had gotten way out of hand. I went to dances arms absolutely crusted with body glitter. First generation body glitters, the ones that were gel based/smelled terribly of rubbing alcohol/made your skin super tight as soon as it dried. We layered them carefully for size and color. AND THEN. Glitter eyeliner over the frosty eye shadow, glitter mascara, frosty lips. As if the frosty elements were a subtle counterpart to the more ostentatious glitter layers. I mean.

It was bound to happen. Somewhere in the early 2000 on the way out the door I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for the next decade and a half it was all flat matte everything. Even the 2005 debut of Calvin Kleins makeup line was totally out – those dewy faces were toeing the line of shine and I was just too gun shy. Now, we all know that I’ve gotten over that in some real ways. I’ve fallen re-in-love with a glitter accent – hello Glitter Smudge! Something about that feels so far past a frosted shadow that it works. So it took a while to face facts. I’m into it. It’s been 15 years. I’m 35. And I want to wear body glitter.

Milk Makeup can get adults into just about anything. The Glitter Stick feels like just enough. I hate myself but yes, I’m going to wear this on my clavicle. Just like high school. But no rubbing alcohol smell and no, I won’t layer it with six other body glitters.

hoito milk holographic stick adult glitter hoito howoldistooold
Images via Milk. 

Glossier has a barely there shimmer lip gloss. See photo below. BARELY THERE. Perfect. Birthday Balm Dotcom.

birthday balm dotcom hoito howoldistooold glitter lips for adults
Images via Glossier. 

Not so into the colored glitters, at all. BUT. Make Makeup’s Glitter Eyeshadow in Quartz and the Urban Decay Shadow in Moondust are perfect see through-y, clear-ish, fairy dust-ish non colors that are hard to get on so a little dusting falls on the top of your cheeks.

glitter hoito adult glitters start with eyeshadows howoldistooold urban decay make makeup
Images via Make Makeup and Urban Decay.

So, here we go again! If I end up with crunchy curls from glitter hair gel, someone stop me. (Or don’t? Could be good again?)